Paul Zucker

Paul Zucker, Ezine @rticles "Platinum" Expert Family & Parenting Author. Paul Zucker, author of "Loving Our Children, Loving Ourselves" Paul Zucker, featured author on Parenting website Storknet.com.

Subj: loving our children, loving ourselves
Date: 3/18/99 3:18:08 AM

"Dear Paul Zucker,

As a parent of a 4 year old, somehow I came across information in regards to your book. I ordered it and have begun to read it. I must say, I have been shedding some tears here...I see myself in this book. I am so grateful to you for writing this book, it has shed some light on myself. I have spent plenty of evenings going to bed in tears, feeling like I have failed as a parent...only to now know that there are many other parents who go through all this anixiety. It has touched me in such a way that you have written this book; most men don't express themselves...I admire your honesty and courage.

It is so true how you encourage that raising children is all about Love..and we must love ourselves before we can love others. Lately, before I judge...I stop for a minute to think..think how to rephrase my words so I don't sound so cruel. Your choice of words and thoughts has made a tremendous impact on me...Where were you in the past 3 hears for me????? (LOL).

Paul, it takes a special person like yourself to extend you loving ways in writing, thank you so much for this wonderful book...

Pray for me...I am going to do my best...

Have a wonderful day...Hope top keep in touch with you...

Alicejean"

"I think Paul's book is terrific. When I say every parent should read it, I mean it!"

Antoinette Bosco

"In his exciting new book, Paul Zucker reminds us that being a good parent requires more than the development of certain skills: it demands a deep commitment to self-betterment and the embodiment of those life-affirming principles that we wish to instill in our children. Paul Zucker uses a highly personal approach that renders the book not only enjoyable but unique."

Linda Giordano

Paul,

I enjoyed your book! Very thought provoking, inspiring, and a cause to look within to first grasp an understanding of how my parents raised (scripted) me and secondly to thing about how I might apply your thoughts to my parenting understanding. Thank you!

Randy

5/30/98

Dear Paul,

Thanks for letting me read this into which you have obviously poured your whole heart. I think your children are fortunate to have you as a father.

Loving Our Children, Loving Ourselves is a wonderful book. Easy to read, well put together, and written by a sincere and caring man.

I would love to be part of this project, and no, I won't take any money. I would love to help.

Sincerely,

Phyllis

To Purchase:
   • Loving Our Children, Loving Ourselves at Amazon.com
   • Loving Our Children, Loving Ourselves at Amazon UK
   • Loving Our Children, Loving Ourselves at Amazon Canada

Paul Zucker resides in Wayne, NJ with his wife Susan, four children (Allison, Keith, Michael, Julie), 3 Cats (Cupcake, Scuffy, Leroy), and 1 pup (Missy). Paul Zucker has an MBA in Finance from The City University of New York. He was employed by Macy's for 14 years leaving them as Administrator of Financial Planning & Control for their Specialty Store Division in 1997 to write Loving Our Children, Loving Ourselves.

Paul Zucker is now on Google Knol:

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What is the best discipline for children?

Loving kindness. One must discipline with love. For most this extremely difficult. And how does one discipline with love?

By feeling the love you have for your child at the moment of discipline. This feeling can then transform the manner of your speech, the tone and language that is used. Yet the resolve, the strength is there. Because your love makes you strong, allows you your belief in the conviction that your discipline is correct, yet kind. To discipline with love transforms the child. Feeling your love they can accept the discipline and they will not rebel; they will not develop hostilities and return them to you.

Unfortunately, one can not feel love and anger at the same time. One may still love the child, but the strong feeling is diminished by anger.

Should children be punished? And if so, how?

Your disapproval is punishment enough. Disapproval with love is admonishment that can be accepted as it does not reject the individual. It says I dissaprove of your actions but not of you. If practiced regularly then the actions of the child will change. If the parent is inconsistent, then the child's reaction will be inconsistent. As one continually punishes with anger or hostility, the child's rebellion will in turn grow until that child will be less and less responsive to your anger and punishment.

The only "punishment" that is effective is loving admonishment. It may not be effective the first time or the first several times. The child must be allowed to make the decision to change his or her actions. This often takes time and requires patience (often great amounts). If you have punished with anger, threats or the removal of rights, then this process will initially take longer. The wounds you have inflicted on your child must heal If you are inconsistent (sometimes loving and sometimes angry), then your results will be inconsistent.

What if a child must do something, such as get dressed, go to school, or leave the playground because you are expected somewhere?

Anger, threats, and use of physical power cause rebellion and lowered self esteem. The use of these mus be weighted relative to the situation. Certainly, the child could be late for school and you could be late for an appointment. You will be late a lot less times in the future if the child cooperates with requests instead of continually rebelling against them.

A toddler for example is no different in this regard than an older child. Their expression of anger may be different yet the process is the same. They must be given a chance to make their own decision. Yet you would not stand in the park for hours (however unlikely this may be). Your reaction to their anger must be with loving kindness. And if you use your physical power to remove them, this must be done as gently as possible so as to not transmit feeling of anger and intimidation.

Remember, that it is difficult or impossible to punish without being angry. Punishment is a form of striking out and back. We express our anger through punishment. We express our love through kindness.

I will learn to embody the principle of self-responsibility by making a commitment to do the following:

1   Today I will decide what I am going to think and how I am going to feel and act in any given situation. I am free to choose my response and so create the opportunity to choose a better response — make better decisions — when interacting with my children. In this way I become a powerful and positive influence on my children. Through my example, my children will learn how to be self-responsible and become empowered themselves.

 2   Today I am not going to blame my children for how I am feeling; I am not going to feel “victimized.” Any anger or frustration I may feel is not caused by what my children have “done to me,” but what I think about what my children are doing. I will not personalize my children’s behavior, realizing instead that my children are programmed to be independent and to attain self-actualization. Each day I will remind myself not to judge, and not to find fault and blame in my children.

 3   Today I will not impose my expectations — what they could or should be doing — on my children. In fact, I will relinquish my expectations, as I do not wish to limit the range of possibilities for my children. I will shift my focus from expecting my children to be a certain way, to allowing and encouraging them to find their own way. In doing this I free myself from worry and disappointment and concentrate my energies instead on being loving. I know that if I am a good example for my children, I need not worry about how they will be in the world.

 4   Today I will not impose what I want for my children on them. I will not force my child to participate in activities they are not interested in. In this way I free myself and my children from spiraling control battles, freeing us from the cycles of blame, anger, rebelliousness, and hurt feelings. I will trust my children’s feelings and encourage them to find those activities they are interested in.

5   Today I will focus my energies on what I may influence in order to break the cycle of worry, anxiety, and fear. I will begin to focus my influence on my personal evolution, as I know my own willingness insures this ability. I know that as I focus my influence on my personal evolution, I create the greatest positive change for all; it is truly the most powerful way I can transform and influence my children and the world.

 6   Each day I will remind myself that happiness is self-bestowed. It is a choice I make; others do not make it for me. To achieve my own happiness I need to gain wisdom and decide what is worthwhile thinking. As part of the process of attaining wisdom, I need to monitor and observe the thoughts and perceptions I have towards others and myself. Then I need to change those thoughts and perceptions that are not contributing to my happiness. By embodying the principles as outlined in numbers 1 to 5 above, and by learning to be honest, independent, and act in a loving way — as described later in this book — I can begin to bestow happiness on myself.

I will learn to embody the principle of honesty by making a commitment to do the following:

1 Today I will be honest but not hurtful in all of my interactions, knowing that my children learn honesty by modeling me. Meaningful and deep relationships are based on trust. Without my total commitment to honesty, a trusting relationship cannot be created with my children. I will never act in a recriminating way towards my children for telling the truth, for being honest. I will value truth and honesty above all actions. In this way my children learn to trust and confide in me.

2 Today I will deepen my relationship with my children by not just relating to them as a parent but as a human being. I am a human being who may make mistakes, and may get angry, sad, or cry. I will take responsibility for my feelings by not making my children responsible for them.
If I make an incorrect decision or become hurtful to my children I can apologize, admit I’m human, and redirect myself. In this way I free my children from the adverse effects on the development of their self-worth when I make them responsible for my emotional feelings.

3 Today I will make a commitment to honestly, but not hurtfully, express my feelings towards my children. When I do this, I keep any hurt or angry feelings from building and later exploding, causing damage to myself and my children. I will not attack my children in words, tone, or body language, but express how I feel from my heart. If I find myself getting upset at my children, I will pause and reflect on the reasons their actions may be upsetting me. As I practice this daily, I will become more in touch with my feelings and be better able to express them in a reasonable way.

4 I will commit to inspiring my children to seek and express their individual truths, their authenticity, by honestly sharing my life with them. I will neither underestimate what my children can understand nor dismiss what they can perceive of my life. When I share my life with them and I am emotionally and intellectually available, I help my children gain perspective on life and encourage them to develop their individual capacity for wisdom.